I believe that suicide is pure rebellion against Jesus Christ, and this is because you are taking your life, which belongs to Him, and ending it before its time. But if I were to commit suicide, would I go to hell? What do you think?
The bible tells us to ENDURE hardness as a soldier. I've been a soldier in man's army.
Soldiers endure because they know that what they do matters. They endure because they have to watch over their fellow soldiers and the people they are there to protect. They endure because they know that the battle is just one small part of the war. They endure because they trust their commander and each other.
If a soldier that does not endure he puts his fellow soldiers and the lives of those he is there to fight for at risk. If a soldier does not endure, he is more of a danger to others than the enemy is.
My next bit of advice may seem a bit weird, but please bear me out...
Step 1) For now forget about regular or constant bible study/reading. Based on your posts it is currently creating more strain than benefit for you.
I AM NOT telling you to stop reading the bible. I am telling you to do so in a more relaxed and prayerful manner.
Read it when you're in the bathroom, when you're waiting in line, or when you get a moment here and there. Don't focus on how much of it you are reading just read it and pray over what you read. As you do so your understanding and faith will grow. So will your tolerance and hunger for longer and deeper periods of study.
Step 2) Unless you have a solid medical reason not to do so... EXERCISE, and as you exercise, audibly PRAISE GOD the entire time. Jog, jump rope, do isometrics. The exact type of exercise is not as important as simply doing it. Whether your praise is a whisper, a song, or a full bodied yell doesn't matter either. Simply just do it.
The emotional and spiritual benefits are immense.
As to your initial question...
Suicide is murder plain, pure, and simple. Killing yourself is the same as killing some random joker on the street. Jesus only speaks of one sin as being unforgivable and it is not murder.
I have spoken with a number of people who have attempted to murder themselves and family members of those that have murdered themselves.
There is a singular glaring commonality...
People turn to suicide when they have gotten to the point where all they see is themselves. When your eyes are locked on yourself, you are focused on something that has failed you and will fail you again and again. You are focused on your own pain and misery. You lose sight of the fact that such misery is only momentary.
If you are to the point of considering murdering yourself it means that you are not looking to Jesus. You are looking at and trusting in your own understanding above His.
