Peacemaking

Dec 19, 2014
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How do you go about making peace, or bringing peace to conflicts?

I was thinking last night that my dad has zero conflict resolution skills.

Mum, who often will pick a fight out of the slightest thing, even said he made things worse!
So what happened was. Mum has no room to put her extra trays and baking dishes in the kitchen so she puts them in the lounge. On the coffee table. On TOP of the coffee table books and magazines. So last night I needed to look at a magazine and they were underneath stacks of trays. I moved the trays and put them on the floor as there seemed to be nowhere else to put them.

Next thing I know mum is yelling at me cos I put the trays on the floor. I then try and explain I was needing the books and the trays shouldnt be there they should go in the kitchen. put them back on the table she yells. I go, what, on top of the books? But I need them and the books belong on the coffee table not the trays. This argument goes on for a while and dad, who is doing something else then tells us to shut up.

Then he starts yelling too and throwing my books around. Get out of the house! Mum wont lift the trays herself and points at me accusingly and says I have to move them and put them back. I resist because i still need my books and I am not going to put the trays on top of the books again. And the books belong on the cofffe table they arent mine anyway. Also some are library books.

Anyway there is a stand off and dad has just started getting violent with the library books that arent even mine.

Ok what would YOU do if you were dad the third party in this?

Our kitchen is pretty small and nowhere to put the baking treays, but doesnt help that mum is a hoarder, so there could possibly be space under the oven if she moved out all the stuff she doesnt use! But oh no that cant happen because I'm not allowed to touch or move HER stuff.
So dont just say oh get a bigger house or move out, cos thats not gonna happen.
 

bobinfaith

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Hello, Lanolin;

What you are expressing is a normal family but with a different situation, for example, compared to my family when I lived at home. It could be in the garage, out in the front yard, in the car with the family.

I'm not talking about families with deep contextual personalities. My personal family roots have always been "quick to shout and resolve later." For years we have chapters of family breakdown, while other families seem to resolve issues peacefully, and they're not even believers!

When you went to look at a magazine and they were under the stacks of trays, it would have been better to take take your magazine, quietly, and just let Mum have her way with the stack of trays around the house.

Next, how many library books do you have checked out? Take your library books in your bedroom and put them in the corner where they are safe until you take them back.

Finally, if your books were in your bedroom, Dad would not have thrown the books around.

Through it all, these steps would have alleviated the shouting between your family, your Dad throwing your library books, thus uplifting peace between your Mum, Dad and you.

If this was me being Dad, the 3rd party, its possible I may have had some deep problems that I am not sharing with anyone. Yelling and throwing the books may have been a release of my frustrations.

I could not say this years ago but have learned through the years. .As far as Mum goes, let's face it, Lanolin. Its also your house just as my house was my house growing up, but my Mom had the rule, what she says, where she puts things is her call.

It may not be fair, but many times we have to accept unfairness just to maintain the peace in Christ. Do we rise above those un-peaceful situations, yelling and using words that bring down another?

Examples of peace despite extreme and unpleasant circumstances are throughout the Old and New Testaments;

Peace can be achieved by guarding our tongues and choice of words that don't uplift, instead bring others and our loved ones down;

Ephesians 4:29, 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Proverbs 12:18, 18 There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

God's strength can cover peace and make a way out when we are in the thick of those extreme, trying moments, especially in our homes;

Leviticus 26:6, 6 I will give peace in the land, and you shall lie down, and none shall make you afraid. And I will remove harmful beasts from the land, and the sword shall not go through your land.

Psalm 29:11, 11 May the Lord give strength to his people! May the Lord bless his people with peace!

Isaiah 32:18, 18 My people will abide in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places.

Please pray about this post and don't reply with a continuing no-way out. Instead, be forward thinking. God's Word is always forward thinking and makes a yes-way out that will bring you to His peace.

God bless you, sister.
 
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AtomicSnowflake

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How do you go about making peace, or bringing peace to conflicts?
Personally.... I tend to try to view things from all sides. I try to get as much perspective as I can. Look at all of the facts/situation/people/emotion involved, and use that information to find a workable/agreeable/compromise or solution.

In other words, I try as best as I can, to view things from the way the other people are seeing things and feeling.

My answer may not be helpful for the situation you mentioned... but don't neglect to ask God for understanding and wisdom to know how to proceed.
 
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Another is that it there was actually only 1 book, a coffee table book, a magazine, and a library dvd which I was going to watch on the tv. I dont have a tv in my room. . The big book was a book i bought for the family to share. Its not in my room cos my dad was looking at it. i actually needed the magazine, which does not belong to me.

All the other library books I always keep IN MY ROOM. It was the dvd dad was churcking round. If he had thrown the coffee table book I wouldnt have got mad cos I bought it mostly for him to look at. I hadnt even watched the dvd yet.
 
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There are coffee table books UNDER the coffee table in the tray for them but the one on top of it was the one I was looking at. Also its full of our books so I dont think I can fit any more in there. Sometimes mum puts the baking trays on the sofa, so you cant even sit down.
 
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Mum doesnt have any rule about them not being on the floor because she herself puts them on the floor in the laundry! Which means everyone has to bend right down to pick them up. She only got in a tiz because i moved them. Sometimrs I need to use the trays but normally they go in the oven except when somethings cookijg innthere. So if you want to cook anything then you have to take all the trays out. It is exhausting. You have to take a heavy cast iron fry pan out, 2 baking trays, a rack, 2 roasting dishes, and a cake tin. All piled on top of each other.
 
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Personally.... I tend to try to view things from all sides. I try to get as much perspective as I can. Look at all of the facts/situation/people/emotion involved, and use that information to find a workable/agreeable/compromise or solution.

In other words, I try as best as I can, to view things from the way the other people are seeing things and feeling.

My answer may not be helpful for the situation you mentioned... but don't neglect to ask God for understanding and wisdom to know how to proceed.
Please help atomicsnowflake am at wits end sometimes when mum yells just cos I move her stuff aside so I can get what I need! I also hate it when she wants to pick a huge fight right when I need to concentrate on my study.
 
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I do not really know the age of your mother but I do know that as people get older, they often become less able to cope with uncertainty and change.

As I am getting older, I know that it bother me when things are not as I left them. Part of this is that my memory does not work as well as it used to, and when things are not 'where I left them' I become more uncertain about my processes. Even when they are in plain sight.

Related to this is also that it adds to the general feeling of loosing basic control over my own affairs.

What I would suggest is to avoid engaging in these battles where no one wins (and I get the feeling rightly or wrongly that you feel justified and want to win).

At some point when you are not engaged in battle, calmly and respectfully discuss this with her and see if you can come to an agreement.

Perhaps you could help her organize her supplies (making sure she has effective input). Perhaps you could find another space to study. Not that you should not be able to use the common rooms, but that you can be pro-active.

Remember: you can adjust your approach with more effect than you can decide her behavior against her wishes.
 
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rtm3039

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How do you go about making peace, or bringing peace to conflicts?

I was thinking last night that my dad has zero conflict resolution skills.

Mum, who often will pick a fight out of the slightest thing, even said he made things worse!
So what happened was. Mum has no room to put her extra trays and baking dishes in the kitchen so she puts them in the lounge. On the coffee table. On TOP of the coffee table books and magazines. So last night I needed to look at a magazine and they were underneath stacks of trays. I moved the trays and put them on the floor as there seemed to be nowhere else to put them.

Next thing I know mum is yelling at me cos I put the trays on the floor. I then try and explain I was needing the books and the trays shouldnt be there they should go in the kitchen. put them back on the table she yells. I go, what, on top of the books? But I need them and the books belong on the coffee table not the trays. This argument goes on for a while and dad, who is doing something else then tells us to shut up.

Then he starts yelling too and throwing my books around. Get out of the house! Mum wont lift the trays herself and points at me accusingly and says I have to move them and put them back. I resist because i still need my books and I am not going to put the trays on top of the books again. And the books belong on the cofffe table they arent mine anyway. Also some are library books.

Anyway there is a stand off and dad has just started getting violent with the library books that arent even mine.

Ok what would YOU do if you were dad the third party in this?

Our kitchen is pretty small and nowhere to put the baking treays, but doesnt help that mum is a hoarder, so there could possibly be space under the oven if she moved out all the stuff she doesnt use! But oh no that cant happen because I'm not allowed to touch or move HER stuff.
So dont just say oh get a bigger house or move out, cos thats not gonna happen.
[/QUOTE
How do you go about making peace, or bringing peace to conflicts?

I was thinking last night that my dad has zero conflict resolution skills.

Mum, who often will pick a fight out of the slightest thing, even said he made things worse!
So what happened was. Mum has no room to put her extra trays and baking dishes in the kitchen so she puts them in the lounge. On the coffee table. On TOP of the coffee table books and magazines. So last night I needed to look at a magazine and they were underneath stacks of trays. I moved the trays and put them on the floor as there seemed to be nowhere else to put them.

Next thing I know mum is yelling at me cos I put the trays on the floor. I then try and explain I was needing the books and the trays shouldnt be there they should go in the kitchen. put them back on the table she yells. I go, what, on top of the books? But I need them and the books belong on the coffee table not the trays. This argument goes on for a while and dad, who is doing something else then tells us to shut up.

Then he starts yelling too and throwing my books around. Get out of the house! Mum wont lift the trays herself and points at me accusingly and says I have to move them and put them back. I resist because i still need my books and I am not going to put the trays on top of the books again. And the books belong on the cofffe table they arent mine anyway. Also some are library books.

Anyway there is a stand off and dad has just started getting violent with the library books that arent even mine.

Ok what would YOU do if you were dad the third party in this?

Our kitchen is pretty small and nowhere to put the baking treays, but doesnt help that mum is a hoarder, so there could possibly be space under the oven if she moved out all the stuff she doesnt use! But oh no that cant happen because I'm not allowed to touch or move HER stuff.
So dont just say oh get a bigger house or move out, cos thats not gonna happen.
It sounds like a difficult set of circumstances. May I ask a personal question? Do you pay rent or financially help your parents with expenses?

rtm3039
 
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I dont study in the lounge I study in the spare room. I just needed the magazine to quickly look up something.

Dad has now put the baking trays and everything back in the oven. But he had to take out a tray of breadcrumbs and eggeshells, which are now on the dining room table. Mum would have been using the table otherwise it would have gone there even on the chair.

I looked in all the cupboards and there is no space, and even if I made room I dont think mum would like me moving stuff around. Even if I told her. Maybe we need another kitchen rack or something above the oven. i dont know. Its a small kitchen.

I just think if she hadnt have got so angry at me over this one thing it would have been fine. To have the trays on the floor as therss nowhere else to put them, seeing as she put them on the floor of the laundry before and i never yelled ather for doing that, even when I cant get to the washing machine. I try not to emulate her beahviour and think I can just copy what she does by getting angry.

My brother once did the same thing, got really angry at me for leaving just one book on the coffeetable. In his HUGE house where we shared the lounge. Maybe its a control thing but hes not even old, hes younger than me.
 
Dec 19, 2014
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As far as I know, trays belong in oven or kitchen. And books belong on book shelves or coffeetable if you looking at them.

Baking trays do not really belong on coffee tables, and neither do car parts (my brother does put car parts on his) .

I dont want you to see our second shower, which is used as a cupboard.

I have a hard time dealing with other peoples disorder as it is, its like my whole life people want me to weed their garden they dont want to do, deal with their junk which they dump on me, organsie their library books they cant put away properly or keep in order and then get yelled at for doing so.

Mum would even worry that i was simply trying to organise my own room. Oh not the bookshelves cant go in the corner. No you cant have a garden. And your car is mess. Well I had that nervours breakdown a fewtimes in my life when I let those words get to me but I dont plan on ever having another one.

If its not the trays one day it will surely be something else the next.
 
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I actually did organise some recipes she had in Sewing room/study which she doesnt want me to use even though its my desk in there. I put them in a file box. And the cookbooks in the ktichen bookshelf. She was ok with cookbooks in the kitchen cos i told her. i dont know how shes going to react with the newsppaer recipe clippings being neatly put into a file box rather than as she had them piled on top of the sewing machine.

Maybe I should have left them in a mess pile?

I once spent an entire season organising my dads stuff into file boxes which I bought myself. He was ok with me doing so but mum was not happy when I moved all my sisters stuff to my brothers house because i needed to use the room to study. My sister lives in London for over a decade and is not coming back for all her stuff, well not anytime soon. Then mum claimed i had thrown away her stuff she couldnt find. She eventually did find it but she accused and blamed me.

Dad was again not very helpful and just said she had to look for whatver it was cos I had no idea where it was either. Sometimes you do lose stuff youve forgotten where you put it, its not that big a deal. Or shouldnt be. Thats why I think its best to organise things so that you know exactly where it is.

Am i just being a librarian here or does everyone do this? Im not OCD like eveyrhing has to be alphabetical and numerical and colour coded but there has to be some logic to where you put things. Its the same with plants they are not happy planted in the wrong place.
 

rtm3039

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Yes I pay my dad for bills. Mum doesnt pay anything though. Why?
Well, I asked because there are two scenarios. If you were living off their generosity, you should just say "thank you" and live by their rules. If you are contributing to the family expenses, you should have a "say so" to the living arrangements.

I have never felt the need to yell at anyone in my household or throw anything around. My wife and I both contribute to all expenses. We each have certain responsibilities that we take care of. I do the lawn, clean the pool, and take out the trash. She cleans the house, does the laundry , and cooks. There are days she does not cook, which is usually Fridays. When I am home alone, I like to clean the floors so I do.

For the past 6 months, we have had our son, daughter-in-law, and two kids living with us. They are not asked to pay rent or help with any of the other expenses, but buy their own food. I am going to ask them to start contributing to the cost of utilities (water and electricity), as both have doubled since they moved in. I figure $200.00 a month is more than reasonable, since our average electricity bill is around $320.00 a month and the water around $300.00 a quarter.

As for house management, that is my wife's department. She can decorate anyway she wants to, she can move stuff around, etc. I personally do not care about stuff like that and am just thankful we have a house, food, and creature comforts. I tend to avoid the kitchen, because that is where my wife and her girl friends like to spend their social time. I tend to avoid the living room, as that is where the kids are usually at and part of it is knee deep in toys.

The only place I have control over is my "home office." This is my sanctuary and I am totally responsible for everything in it. Ok, the family fish live in my space, but the rest is my little kingdom.

my office.JPG
So, having studied your particular situation, I am not sure that there is much you can do, aside from moving out on your own. It looks like all three of you have distinct attitudes and I suspect none of you are willing to change. If possible, you can always move all of your stuff into your bedroom, put a Tv in there, and just avoid conflict that way.

I suspect that, if the house is small, there is not a great deal of space to get away from each other and that also contributes to the stress.

To live together requires compromise. When our kids were kids, we lived in a five bedroom house. When they all grew up and left, we downsized to a three bedroom house. Now, with four added people, we have the son and daughter-in-law in one bedroom and the grandkids in the other bedroom. Our bedroom has a large closet, but the wife has so much clothing in it that there is no room for my stuff (which use to be in the closets of one of the other bedrooms). The compromise is that all of my cloths are now in the garage. I'm good with it, as I really do not care about stuff like that. I also like to build things, so I have a large amount of wood working stuff (table saw, lathe, band saw, drill press, etc). Since the "kids" brought most of their stuff with them, it is all in the garage and my tools (and hobby) are now on shelves and I have no room to actually use them. Again, I really don't care about stuff like that, so I'm good with it.

I look at it this way: Most nights, the grandson comes into my office and wants to watch a "kids movie" with me. The granddaughter comes into my space and wants to hold a "class" to tell me what she learned in school (kindergarten). The pleasure I get from that is far greater that having my clothing in a closet or the space to build stuff in the garage. Good lord willing, I will eventually regain my closet and garage; however, the grandkids will never again be 3 and 5 and that's more important.

Do you have any siblings?

rtm3039
 
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I do not really know the age of your mother but I do know that as people get older, they often become less able to cope with uncertainty and change.

As I am getting older, I know that it bother me when things are not as I left them. Part of this is that my memory does not work as well as it used to, and when things are not 'where I left them' I become more uncertain about my processes. Even when they are in plain sight.

Related to this is also that it adds to the general feeling of loosing basic control over my own affairs.

What I would suggest is to avoid engaging in these battles where no one wins (and I get the feeling rightly or wrongly that you feel justified and want to win).

At some point when you are not engaged in battle, calmly and respectfully discuss this with her and see if you can come to an agreement.

Perhaps you could help her organize her supplies (making sure she has effective input). Perhaps you could find another space to study. Not that you should not be able to use the common rooms, but that you can be pro-active.

Remember: you can adjust your approach with more effect than you can decide her behavior against her wishes.
I am right there with you my friend!
 

rtm3039

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I actually did organise some recipes she had in Sewing room/study which she doesnt want me to use even though its my desk in there. I put them in a file box. And the cookbooks in the ktichen bookshelf. She was ok with cookbooks in the kitchen cos i told her. i dont know how shes going to react with the newsppaer recipe clippings being neatly put into a file box rather than as she had them piled on top of the sewing machine.

Maybe I should have left them in a mess pile?

I once spent an entire season organising my dads stuff into file boxes which I bought myself. He was ok with me doing so but mum was not happy when I moved all my sisters stuff to my brothers house because i needed to use the room to study. My sister lives in London for over a decade and is not coming back for all her stuff, well not anytime soon. Then mum claimed i had thrown away her stuff she couldnt find. She eventually did find it but she accused and blamed me.

Dad was again not very helpful and just said she had to look for whatver it was cos I had no idea where it was either. Sometimes you do lose stuff youve forgotten where you put it, its not that big a deal. Or shouldnt be. Thats why I think its best to organise things so that you know exactly where it is.

Am i just being a librarian here or does everyone do this? Im not OCD like eveyrhing has to be alphabetical and numerical and colour coded but there has to be some logic to where you put things. Its the same with plants they are not happy planted in the wrong place.
I am unsure of how old you are, but part of this is a generational thing. Our oldest daughter is 31. She has come back home at least 4 times. She bought herself a dog; a big dog. At one point, she could not keep him do she brought him to live with us and left. So, for a year, we had a 50 pound and had to take care of him. Then, one of our son's has two large dogs. They were able to take care of only one and ended up bringing the second to us. So, now we add a 70 pound dog. The 50 pounder became aggressive and attacked the 70 pounder several times. In one of those cases, he latched on to the throat of the other dog and the only way for me to break the grip was to literally through both of them in the pool.

The wife and I decided that we could not keep him, but the daughter would not take him back. We ended up taking him to a local dog pound for adoption. To date, the daughter has not forgiven us for this, as if it was our responsibility to clean up after one of her messes. As for the 70 pounder, he lives with us, but the son still calls him "his dog."

As parents, our main responsibility is to provide a home, safe environment, and guidance to grow children into young adults. At some point, that is over and we (parents) should be allowed to resume our "normal lives" and enjoy the fruits of our labor. We still need to be there for our "kids," but they are no longer kids and need to start taking care of their own messes.