Siblings without rivalry

Thinking back.. when we were kids and not tormenting each other, we had moments of clarity where by we would actually play nicely. I think after a while, the banacing factor( thanks bob) would swing back naturally in our favour and
We created a Tin band and we would record ourselves playing a symphony on my mothers pots and pans. Led by my big brother,.. we would bash it all out. Lol
 
Lanolin said:
ok carrying on...using Cain and Abel as examples - remember you are their parents, Adam and Eve, the supposed peacemakers/mediators in this conflict.

To cain--
avoid unfavourable comparisons.
Instead of...
'Abel had a better offering than you' '

Describe the problem-
'Those fruit don't look the best'

To Abel--
avoid favourable comparisons
Instead of
'your always do the right thing Abel. Your brother doesn't listen to instructions'

Describe what you see or feel.
'I see you are taking good care of all the sheep'


'
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In the words of that well known Disney film...

LET IT GO

If you still hold a grudge against a sibling when you're all grown up, it's about you, not them. If your parents are still comparing you, you cannot change your parents, but you can change you.

Do some stuff that will make YOU happy. Think about YOU!

God wants you to be happy. He gave his only son, so that you could be FREE and live the life that He wants you to live.

"My God will liberally supply my every need according to His riches in glory in Jesus Christ" Philippians 4:19

Take action, do something with your life and make it matter. Fill your life with things that are good and are important to you. Don't waste it sitting around and stressing about sibling rivalry and parents who should know better.
 
Via dolarossa said:
Thinking back.. when we were kids and not tormenting each other, we had moments of clarity where by we would actually play nicely. I think after a while, the banacing factor( thanks bob) would swing back naturally in our favour and
We created a Tin band and we would record ourselves playing a symphony on my mothers pots and pans. Led by my big brother,.. we would bash it all out. Lol
Click to expand...

OMG you're Ringo Starr:ROFLMAO:
 
Annie said:
We used to watch Dr Who and the Daleks together. Now they are too old and I just want to bash both their silly big heads together with my cheese-making sticks!!! I don't know how to make cheese, but I'm sure it involves big sticks:LOL:
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I looked it up on YouTube. Apparently, no big stick. Pan, milk, lemon juice (or white vinegar), a colander, and some cloth to drain the liquid. Well, this is for a small amount. I guess that if you are going to make a big amount, you might need a stick to move the stuff around. Does not really look all that complicated and takes about an hour.
 
Annie said:
In the words of that well known Disney film...

LET IT GO

If you still hold a grudge against a sibling when you're all grown up, it's about you, not them. If your parents are still comparing you, you cannot change your parents, but you can change you.

Do some stuff that will make YOU happy. Think about YOU!

God wants you to be happy. He gave his only son, so that you could be FREE and live the life that He wants you to live.

"My God will liberally supply my every need according to His riches in glory in Jesus Christ" Philippians 4:19

Take action, do something with your life and make it matter. Fill your life with things that are good and are important to you. Don't waste it sitting around and stressing about sibling rivalry and parents who should know better.
Click to expand...
I am talking about YOU being the parent here. Be the GROWN UP!!

If you are still stuck in unfavourable/favorable comparisons, its tough but don't EVER do it to YOUR children. Your children are probably smarting from being favourably/unfavourably compared and that is what contributes to the fighting!
 
Annie, you said you loathe them equally. That is a horrible thing to say to them.

Your boys are very different. You must love them for the unique way they are. Focus on their individual needs. They are not the same. They are unique, and each is special to you. Give to them what they each need.
 
OK how to stop fights.

Lets say they are fighting over a piece of cheese....or, maybe with Cain and Abel scenario, the first born lamb...

Theres a way to do it thats unhelpful and a way that is helpful. There is a way to do it which means both brothers come up with a solution TOGETHER. See if you can figure it out...
 
Lanolin said:
ok carrying on...using Cain and Abel as examples - remember you are their parents, Adam and Eve, the supposed peacemakers/mediators in this conflict.
To cain--avoid unfavourable comparisons. Instead of...'Abel had a better offering than you' ' Describe the problem-'Those fruit don't look the best' To Abel--
avoid favourable comparisons Instead of 'your always do the right thing Abel. Your brother doesn't listen to instructions' Describe what you see or feel.
'I see you are taking good care of all the sheep'
Click to expand...

Hi Lanolin;

There are a few profound KEYS in your post. Deuteronomy 6 instructs parents to pass on God's teaching of loving the Lord your God. In Genesis 4 Adam and Eve were not great parents raising Cain and Abel.

Between children and parents it can go both ways. Turn the tables around and there are children that still begrudge parents after they long become adults. Unfortunately, after the parents or children pass away, left over bitterness can still exist toward their parents and siblings.

Parents are entrusted by God to be good stewards and teach their children the examples of love in Christ. Children are entrusted by God to listen and honor their parents.

Parents minister to their children but children can also minister to their parents.

God bless you, sister.
 
rtm3039 said:
I just re-read this. "the fish and chips truck?" Where did you grow up?
rtm3039
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Hey Ray;

I feel you can relate to this. In 1964 Dad was stationed at Alconbury Air Force Base, Huntingdon, England. He flew the C1-30 cargo plane.

As kids we lived there for a year in two English neighborhoods and on the particular weeknight was a time when my siblings and I bonded. We watched Dr. Who and the Daleks on the BBC station. The fish and chips truck would drive up and Dad would go outside and order for our dinner while we watched the show.

Getting back to the topic, it was a memorable time when we bonded, but it was also a time when Dad and Mom were going through a stormy time in their marriage. Unfortunately we saw them argue, it was intense, but on that night we bonded, our parents were with us and was a reminder that we were still a family.
 
bobinfaith said:
Hey Ray;

I feel you can relate to this. In 1964 Dad was stationed at Alconbury Air Force Base, Huntingdon, England. He flew the C1-30 cargo plane.

As kids we lived there for a year in two English neighborhoods and on the particular weeknight was a time when my siblings and I bonded. We watched Dr. Who and the Daleks on the BBC station. The fish and chips truck would drive up and Dad would go outside and order for our dinner while we watched the show.

Getting back to the topic, it was a memorable time when we bonded, but it was also a time when Dad and Mom were going through a stormy time in their marriage. Unfortunately we saw them argue, it was intense, but on that night we bonded, our parents were with us and was a reminder that we were still a family.
Click to expand...
Oh. Ok, not I get it. I don't think I recalled that you were an "Air Force brat." Two of my lids were born in Germany (Army brats), but they were way too young to have any real memories.

My parents argued almost everyday of their lives. My dad had affairs, my mom left him, she returned, she had an affair on him, etc. Despite all this drama, there were some memorable times. Usually, once a year, my parents would take my sister and I out of school and we would travel across Florida. We could not do it over the summer break, because that was a busy time for my dad. We also use to go fishing off of bridges. My mom would make a ton of food and we would head out close to midnight and fish until the sub came up.

Sometimes, you just enjoy the best you can and call it even.

rtm3039
 
Lanolin said:
Annie, you said you loathe them equally. That is a horrible thing to say to them.

Your boys are very different. You must love them for the unique way they are. Focus on their individual needs. They are not the same. They are unique, and each is special to you. Give to them what they each need.
Click to expand...

I kind of get what she’s saying, I loathe everyone equally...
It’s basically a humorous remark when people won’t be or do what one wants.
I accept my mysogenic views though, it’s a buffer to all expectations.
I permanently have a face like Tony Hancock.
 
Via dolarossa said:
I kind of get what she’s saying, I loathe everyone equally...
It’s basically a humorous remark when people won’t be or do what one wants.
I accept my mysogenic views though, it’s a buffer to all expectations.
I permanently have a face like Tony Hancock.
Click to expand...
mmm but I bet it's not funny at the time.
Children take it to heart.

If you want everyone to lose..well just say that and nobody gets any cheese.
 
I do not have a favourite son. I love them both. I was joking when I made that remark.

We actually have a very honest, open, and happy household. But they both need to leave. They are both at the age when they need to be going out and doing their own thing, but they are still stuck in education, which I pray will eventually pay off. They both have plans to move on, but for the next year or so they are stuck with each other. I think most of the problem with family squabbles is that you say things to family that you would never ever dream of saying to friends or anybody else. And the reason you let rip, is because you know that they are family, and you know that they will forgive you, and you know that they will always be there for you. Or at least that's how it goes at my place.

At the moment, they refer to me as a 'dementor', a Harry Potter creature that sucks out your soul. This is because I want the house tidy so a new carpet can be laid. My response is to make 'dementor' type noises and poke them to clean out their stuff. We still eat dinner together, and talk, and laugh, and I still am referred to as the 'dementor' because I won't let up. THE NEW CARPET WILL HAPPEN!

And if any of their stuff is left lying around, I'll take a blow-torch to it. (That is also a joke)! Or is it?
 
If everything is a joke nobody will take you seriously, sorry..because jokes can be cruel. And that means you need to put up with fights ALL THE TIME since nothing is ever done about them.

I tried with the new carpet thing but it won't happen because my parents won't move their stuff, and there is no where to move it to anyway. They had the same carpet for over 40 years now. They put another carpet on top which has worn right through. I even had my friends sister who owns a carpet laying business come in and do a quote. But my parents didn't decide and so we have carpet that is worn to shreds. But who cares? Visitors will just need to put up with it.

I am thankful that I was able to buy new carpet for my school library though (even though it was kinda bought by stealth) since we technically weren't allowed to buy furnishings.

My biggest problems is having 30 + kids who many are siblings..or cousins or all related anyway, coming into the library and creating havoc so I can't even hear myself speak. The teachers are no help...so I need to come up with a solution. I thought I had one but it seems sabotaged by them closing the door so I only have one exit now, which was part of the problem.

I am going to close the library next week and only have passes for children, but what will probably happen is they might fight over these passes, but they need to fight over it OUTSIDE, not in my library.
 
rtm3039 said:
Oh. Ok, not I get it. I don't think I recalled that you were an "Air Force brat." Two of my lids were born in Germany (Army brats), but they were way too young to have any real memories.

My parents argued almost everyday of their lives. My dad had affairs, my mom left him, she returned, she had an affair on him, etc. Despite all this drama, there were some memorable times. Usually, once a year, my parents would take my sister and I out of school and we would travel across Florida. We could not do it over the summer break, because that was a busy time for my dad. We also use to go fishing off of bridges. My mom would make a ton of food and we would head out close to midnight and fish until the sub came up.

Sometimes, you just enjoy the best you can and call it even.

rtm3039
Click to expand...
What I need to do, is have a baby, and then tell the children ssh there's a baby in the library so you need to be quiet as they are sleeping.
But where do I find this baby? They might get jealous of the baby...
 
Anyway back to siblings without rivalry...you can't treat children like they are equal because...if you say you love or hate them equally, they don't feel special at all.

And being dementor isn't fun. It doesn't help.


Say you have two children and they both need space but they are in each others space and fighting over it. Well solution would be to separate them and tell them to work it out a reasonable solution. It might be you have separate times that they use that space, one at a time.
 
Lanolin said:
What I need to do, is have a baby, and then tell the children ssh there's a baby in the library so you need to be quiet as they are sleeping.
But where do I find this baby? They might get jealous of the baby...
Click to expand...

You know, I am not even sure our public schools still have libraries (I'll have to check that out). I am not even sure I know why we have public libraries. I mean, we do, as I have been in a couple of them. Our public libraries have kind of evolved into community centers that also have books. Much like our phone have become something more than just a device to make calls, our libraries have become something more than just a book depository. I good portion of the people that go to libraries do it because they do not have a personal computer or internet access.
 
Lanolin said:
Anyway back to siblings without rivalry...you can't treat children like they are equal because...if you say you love or hate them equally, they don't feel special at all.

And being dementor isn't fun. It doesn't help.


Say you have two children and they both need space but they are in each others space and fighting over it. Well solution would be to separate them and tell them to work it out a reasonable solution. It might be you have separate times that they use that space, one at a time.
Click to expand...


sibrival.jpg

There really is not much you can do about sibling rivalry; aside from only having one kid. It will come and it will go. Ok, in some cases it will not fully go, but that is not the rule. Two of my five are boys. One day, the little one was being picked on and came to be for help. My suggestion was that he pick up a shovel and hit the order older one. I said it as a joke, but Jeremy picked up a shovel and hit Hagen in the stomach. Twenty years later, the older one is a pacifist and an academic; currently working on his PhD in Behavioral Economics. The younger one is a firefighter and can bench press a truck.

Sometimes, you just have to roll with the punches and see where it takes you. Sibling Rivalry is a natural consequence of having siblings.
 
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