I have suffered from severe depression and anxiety disorder since a very young child. Multiple decades of ongoing life trauma compounded by a long career in emergency services has also left me with PTSD. I go through cycles of having things under control, and then, for no apparent reason, I go through cycles of anxiety. At its peak, I will be awoken several times a night from a panic attack that is already well under way - panic attacks that start in my sleep. Once awake, I engage in prayer to expel the anxiety from my mind and for the Lord to help calm me. I then can sleep until within an hour or two the next attack wakes me up. These cycles can last up to a few weeks, where, with prayer, medication, thought blocking, and professional help I get things back to somewhat normal.
When I do start having anxiety, I feel like it is an affront to God. What I mean by this is that if I fully trusted the Lord, then I should have no cause for anxiety. It is written, "Be anxious for nothing ..." I sincerely feel that if I was able to fully surrender to the Lord, that I would not be having these attacks. I sometimes see it as a failure on my part - a failure of faith. My anxiety issues show me that I have not fully and completely put my trust and faith in the Lord. This is something I must struggle with. Often this struggle is on a moment to moment basis when things are at their worst. I battle with my mind to surrender all to God. I feel the calmness of His presence. Then, moments or hours later, I find myself back at the beginning because I've let my mind wander away from its focus on God.
From this life-long battle I have definitely learned to turn to God. I have learned that God is often the only being in the entire universe that can truly help me in the deepest and darkest hours of my despair. There is a part of me that tells me that I've failed to fully surrender to God. Another part tells me that this disorder is teaching me how to surrender and that I simply have not accomplished this goal yet. And yet another thought makes me question whether this disorder is a means to an end - that end being that I am continually being compelled to keep my focus on God. When I pray during an attack, I pray that any thoughts or feelings being imposed upon me by the evil one be expelled from my mind and feelings. I pray that only those thoughts and feelings acceptable to God and that are a part of God's will for me, be the ones that remain within my mind. This does work for as long as I keep my thoughts with God at the center of them, but when I let distraction to occur, the anxiety-provoking thoughts sneak in. Again and again, I turn to God. Again and again, He helps me. I wish I could maintain perfect focus on Him. Full surrender is something I am striving to achieve with my mind, but I now see that it involves more than just the mind. It involves giving up the body, mind and spirit all to God, and this is something that goes far beyond simply an effort of the mind. I have yet to discover how to do this. I definitely have a lot to learn. The fact that when I am spending time in His presence I am at peace, shows me that it is possible. The anxiety tells me that I am flawed in terms of my attention on the Lord.
I am blessed in this because it does allow me to understand others who face similar struggles. Sometimes through my experiences I can in some small way help others by sharing what has helped me. For some people, just knowing that there are others who are going through similar issues helps break the isolation and stigma they may be feeling. I often wonder if others also feel like their anxiety is an affront to God in the same way that I do. Perhaps if I could find others that feel this way, it would tear down some of the isolation that I feel. At least I know for certain that God understands.
When I do start having anxiety, I feel like it is an affront to God. What I mean by this is that if I fully trusted the Lord, then I should have no cause for anxiety. It is written, "Be anxious for nothing ..." I sincerely feel that if I was able to fully surrender to the Lord, that I would not be having these attacks. I sometimes see it as a failure on my part - a failure of faith. My anxiety issues show me that I have not fully and completely put my trust and faith in the Lord. This is something I must struggle with. Often this struggle is on a moment to moment basis when things are at their worst. I battle with my mind to surrender all to God. I feel the calmness of His presence. Then, moments or hours later, I find myself back at the beginning because I've let my mind wander away from its focus on God.
From this life-long battle I have definitely learned to turn to God. I have learned that God is often the only being in the entire universe that can truly help me in the deepest and darkest hours of my despair. There is a part of me that tells me that I've failed to fully surrender to God. Another part tells me that this disorder is teaching me how to surrender and that I simply have not accomplished this goal yet. And yet another thought makes me question whether this disorder is a means to an end - that end being that I am continually being compelled to keep my focus on God. When I pray during an attack, I pray that any thoughts or feelings being imposed upon me by the evil one be expelled from my mind and feelings. I pray that only those thoughts and feelings acceptable to God and that are a part of God's will for me, be the ones that remain within my mind. This does work for as long as I keep my thoughts with God at the center of them, but when I let distraction to occur, the anxiety-provoking thoughts sneak in. Again and again, I turn to God. Again and again, He helps me. I wish I could maintain perfect focus on Him. Full surrender is something I am striving to achieve with my mind, but I now see that it involves more than just the mind. It involves giving up the body, mind and spirit all to God, and this is something that goes far beyond simply an effort of the mind. I have yet to discover how to do this. I definitely have a lot to learn. The fact that when I am spending time in His presence I am at peace, shows me that it is possible. The anxiety tells me that I am flawed in terms of my attention on the Lord.
I am blessed in this because it does allow me to understand others who face similar struggles. Sometimes through my experiences I can in some small way help others by sharing what has helped me. For some people, just knowing that there are others who are going through similar issues helps break the isolation and stigma they may be feeling. I often wonder if others also feel like their anxiety is an affront to God in the same way that I do. Perhaps if I could find others that feel this way, it would tear down some of the isolation that I feel. At least I know for certain that God understands.