The Closing of a Door
The Closing of a Door
Tonight was a hard night for me. I closed a door. You may ask what kind of door?
A door that was open for two years in my life. A door that I thought would finally bring me the love and peace I had been searching for so long of my life.
You see I met him two years ago on a Christian Internet dating site. He wowed me that first date at a fancy restaurant and even prayed publicly before the meal! It was love at first sight for me. Looking back, I see now I was seeking a relationship the Hollywood style, not God’s prescription for a relationship. I read the book Sex, Love and Lasting Relationships by Chip Ingram.
He explains the differences in this book. In the Hollywood style of a relationship, the physical attraction comes first, then the emotional, and then maybe, just maybe the spiritual aspect of the relationship. In God’s prescription for a relationship, the spiritual aspect is there first, then the emotional and lastly the physical.
We are all human. We all have those inner desires within us. God created us. Two are to become one after marriage, not before. I learned the hard way. I lived in sexual sin until this past January when I declared sexual purity. Upon doing so, I had my pap and STD testing done. It came back positive for HPV. The virus that can cause cervical cancer.
Now this is common in many women, and now in me. I followed up with a Colposcopy and everything came back fine. That my dear friends, is how much our God loves me. I believe the good Lord was giving me a warning.
I continued in this relationship with this Christian man, both of us being frustrated with our inner desires. After being led to sexual purity, I got a chance to see him for who he was. He was a great man in many ways. But, he had a hidden secret. A secret that I saw signs of and that he had even shared upon first meeting. That secret was the viewing of pornography. The “excuse” was when not in a relationship, he would use that for release.
It was safer than seeking sex somewhere else. No! The truth is it is way more damaging than one can imagine. The book Every Man’s Battle goes into much detail of sexual purity for men. I read the book front to cover. I was seeking to understand a man. A man who was faced with temptations every day, just like your husbands, boyfriends, and sons are. The scary part is that when they dabble a lit, it leads to more and potentially leads to acting out, which I believe was going on as well.
Anyway, throughout this relationship, I had my own secret. I became the biggest snoop queen on earth. I confess. I looked at his cell phone, found his user name and password to his cell phone bill, looked at history on his computer and the list goes on and on. I was becoming a woman that Christ did not want me to be. It all finally got to me and two days before my graduation from college, I broke up with him. However, I did not do what God really wanted me do to as stated in James 5:16, humble yourself, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another. I gave some round the world explanation. He came to my graduation two days later. After graduation, I confessed to him what I had done.
He cried, he prayed and asked for my forgiveness as well. I asked him what was I forgiving him for? His response “for whatever you found”. We talked and I ended up going over to his place. The next day, I had asked him “what do you mean by what I found?”. He stated for the internet.
To speed this up tonight, as one day I shall write a book of my life if the Lord leads me to, we continued to be in contact and see each other. Two weeks ago, I had enough. No, the Lord had enough. I shared that I had to let him go. I was sacrificing the man I loved to the Lord. He did not understand it all. How could I let him go after all he done for me these past two years i.e.. Encouraging me to go back to school to get my degree, supporting me through my move here to Batavia and all other things. Yes he did help me in that way, but the real person that helped me improve my life and give me all those blessings was the Lord. I seeked the Lord in all that I did. He gave me the answers I needed. This man was not willing to seek help for his addiction. I did not cause it, I could not control it nor could I cure it. But I know who can! Jesus! Only this man can choose for himself to seek the Lord for salvation, true salvation, not just words I am a Christian.
I still had his road atlas that I borrowed for a trip this past week-end and I had his garage door opener that he gave to me two weeks into the relationship. He opened his home to me back then and it was open until tonight when I closed the door.
Knowing I could not see him, I made the trip over tonight knowing he was working. I had asked God all along to show me signs if this was a true relationship from him. God showed me all along, I just ignored the signs. Denial in life is a hard to deal with. I had been in denial. Again I found myself praying, on the way over, Lord I know this is what you want, I ask for forgiveness of ignoring the signs. Now remember, my weakness of snooping? Well, this snoop queen could not just help herself one last time. I let myself in, went to the computer, clicked on history and there I saw it. It could not be hidden from me this time. The history had not had a chance to be deleted. Surprise, surprise, a new membership to an Adult dating sex site.
I slowly clicked off. I walked in the other room. I laid the atlas down along with the garage door opener. I walked out of the garage, punched the security code to shut the door. A door that will always remain shut in my life. A door that through God’s love, grace, mercy and forgiveness I was able to close.
Are the doors to my life closed? No! Jeremiah 29:11 states I have a great hope and future for you says the Lord. I truly know when the Lord shuts one door he will open another.
As he cleans the muck out of my own life, that next door is going to have so much more waiting for me!
Moral of this story- Do not ignore the warning signs that are there. You can cause yourself much pain and sorrow. God wants the best for all of us. After all he put his son on that cross to die for you and me for our transgressions. But, we must seek him and surrender our whole life to him not just the parts we choose to.
ray:
