Maybe I am truly not cut out to be a Christian.
Woahhhhh!! Hang on there mate. Do you know what you are saying? Choosing death over life!
1: No you cannot disciple yourself.
2: The whole purpose of receiving the Holy Spirit in accordance with the actual gospel you read in the New testament - is that it is the Holy Spirit [Ghost] that will mentor you;
who will teach you all things; who will enlighten your eyes when you read the Word of God.
Here is the first promise concerning being baptized in the Holy Spirit (being filled with the Spirit as you read in Acts and elsewhere)
Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me,
the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father. And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. John 14:12-13
Exciting! Spirit-filled Christians, just like in Acts and the epistles, have access to miracles and healings. Yes, we do lay hands on the sick and pray fervently for them to be fully healed and made whole. Yes, we fast and pray for more challenging needs. Spirit-filled Christians have many, many testimonies to healings and miracles. And this is the blessing for truly believing on Jesus and the gospel you read of. For believing in all of it, not in part.
YLT 1898
and I will ask the Father, and
another Comforter He will give to you, that he may remain with you--to the age;
the Spirit of truth, whom the world is not able to receive, because it doth not behold him, nor know him, and ye know him, because he doth remain with you,
and shall be in you.
John 14:16-17
and
the Comforter, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name,
he will teach you all things, and remind you of all things that I said to you.
Peace I leave to you; my peace I give to you, not according as the world doth give do I give to you;
let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid;
John 14:26-27
I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit:
for without me ye can do nothing.
If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned.
John 15:5-6 KJV
But when
the Comforter is come, whom I will send unto you from the Father,
the Spirit of truth, which proceedeth from the Father,
he shall testify of me: John 15:26 [testify > be a witness to > attest of > verify truth]
Here are some testimonies of people who have been filled with the Holy Spirit:
http://miracles.areonthe.net/TESTIM...IMONY Posters/Ann, Warrnambool, Australia.pdf
http://miracles.areonthe.net/TESTIM...MONY Posters/Barry C, Adelaide, Australia.pdf
http://miracles.areonthe.net/TESTIM...TESTIMONY Posters/Gunnar, West London, UK.pdf