Ex-Satanist seeks help and redemption!

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WasLost

WasLost

Ex-Satanist seeks help and redemption!

I hope I am welcome here…this is my first post. For the sake of my safety, I’m using the web alias “WasLost†for fear of retribution from the people I have been involved with for the past several years...they don’t know what has happened to me but will figure it out soon. Until last night, I was a member of a Satanic Church and have been a self-proclaimed Satanist for many years. Last night I had an incredibly vivid dream that I stood before Christ in a dark pit. He looked like a burn victim and was horribly disfigured. He was on his knees before me and bleeding. He looked up at me and asked why I had done this to him. I knelt down in front of him and asked who he was and what I had done. He replied that he was an old friend…he began to weep. I didn’t recognize him as Christ because he didn’t look like the typical depictions I’ve seen. He merely looked like a man I didn’t know. I suddenly felt a wave of energy and empathy for this man in front of me…it was then that I realized that this man was an angel or something incredibly holy. It was almost a tangible experience. I began to weep as this feeling washed over me and I held the man in my arms. Everything became very bright and I felt an overwhelming sense of safety and love…it felt as if I was holding my dad.

I awoke from this dream and thought about it for the rest of the night without sleep. I can only assume that something divine reached out to me last night in my sleep and showed me something that I have yet to even make sense of. I know now that I have been on the wrong path. I know that my soul is heavy with sin. I don’t know what to do now, and I’m feeling dazed and confused. Everything I learned to value as a Satanist now seems unimportant. My focus is no longer on myself. My sect of Satanism does not believe in Satan as a real being, only an archetype to be revered. I have identified with this archetype and have been focused on my own desires for years…dismissing all others as irrelevant to my life. I feel incredibly lost and did not know what to do or who to turn to…the anonymity of the internet would be a good place to start and I found this forum from a simple google search. I’m looking for help…advice…feedback…guidance. Anything.

Thank you for reading, and for helping if you can…

WasLost
 
Was Lost - God's power is infinite. He seems to have reached out a lifeline to you in the form of a vision and you seem to have reached out for it in an attempt to preserve a Child of God - YOU YOURSELF!

Please make an attempt to cast out the previous thoughts and beliefs and accept the Teachings of Jesus Christ and His Father, God Almighty. If you have a GOOD quality Bible such as the New Living Translation, please refer to the Healing Prayers in James 5 (NLT) for peace of mind. Then, start slowly in reading all of the chapters starting with Genesis all the way through to Revelation, in a speed that you are comfortable with. As you learn the story of the seedline of Christ, you will appreciate what His sacrifice was and how it affects those who truly believe.

Welcome to the forum - you are among friends here.
 
Thank you for the reply. It's good to know there is somewhere I can turn!

I was raised in the Catholic Education System and have a fairly good grasp on Christianity and the Bible. I've read the King James Version several times from cover to cover and was greatly confused and disenchanted by all the contradictions and violence in the Bible. I found a great deal of beauty in the bible, but also a great deal of pain and guilt. It was my disenchantment with the bible and my Catholic Education that led me away from Christianity.

In my teens I searched for differnt perspectives on Christianity by attending different Churches and denominations...Lutheran, Methodist, Episcopalian. All of which had much of the same contradictions. I explored Buddhism, and even read the Torah and Koran. My inability to find meaning or comfort in any of it led me to a branch of Satanism which focused on the self as the only form of divinity. So I became a self-centered Satanist.

Now I feel completely lost. I have had this life-changing vision and no longer can accept my Satanic beliefs. The vision felt much like a calling from God, but it gave me no direction. I don't know what I can do.

I am taking your advice and going back to my bible. I am attempting prayer for the first time in over 10 years. God willing, I'll make it through this attonement and trial.

WasLost
 
Waslost if you repent of your old sinful life and accept Jesus love and sacrifice as atonement for YOUR sins HE WILL FORGIVE YOU and He will come and make you His dwelling place. What happened to you is not strange it is in His loving nature to seek and save the lost. It is God's desire to see you saved, healed and delivered out of bondage. I am truly glad to hear your heart is ready to respond to God's call- He has been planning, waiting for the right moment, the perfect opportunity to reach you
I recommend finding a church were Jesus is truly Lord and spend time learning His word and ways, this will transform your life. As you read and study His Word remember Jesus sent us a teacher- the Holy Spirit- so when you read your bible ask the Holy Spirit to teach you and to help you understand what God is speaking to you- as God's Spirit breathes His life on His Word it will become alive to you- it will literally meet you and your needs in whatever circumstance you find yourself. Trying to understand it with your own mind will only produce works of dead religion. There is no power in satan or his way, there is no power in doing good deeds in your own strenght- But as you alow God to become real in your life you will be overwhelmed by His power and glory!As He begins to speak to you thru His Word by His Spirit your eyes will be opened and you will begin to believe Him and His Word instead of your old way of thinking- this is called being renewed in your mind and is just one wonderful step on this jouney of faith. Remember put your faith in Christ and His love for you not in your circumstances or anything else anyone you see or hear!
 
I've begun re-reading the bible. I have a copy of the Revised Standard Version, which is different from the King James bible I grew up with. I've read it before, and much like before, it poses more questions than it does answers...especially in the Old Testament. I'm trying not to let small details lead me astray as I'm always warry of translations...rather, I'm trying to focus on the core messages and philosophies. This has been difficult, and I find myself wanting to find evidence of the unconditional love of God...all I've found are examples of his wrath...which in my specific position, doesn't make me feel remotely saved...only doomed for my transgreassions. Granted, I've only read through Numbers, and I will continue reading. It's all I can do...and pray.

WasLost
 
Waslost, it is just my opinion but I feel you would be better of starting in the new testiment. The Gospels are rich and full and show us how the Lord loved and interacted with the lost and religious people of His day.The church was born at His ressurection with the book of Acts detailing this. then you get to the epistles full of Gods Words, love and power for His bride (the church). I only suggest this because I feel the Old Covenant is better understood once we understand the heart of God as revealed in the New Covenant.
The old testiment is rich and full -the Lord once gave me a vision of His Word- it appeared to have a silver river running thru it from cover to cover, the Lord reminded me that silver was always used for redemption and I believe that this represents Christs redeeming power found in the whole Word of God. A wise man once said the old covenant is Christ concealed and the new is Christ revealed, let me give you an example:
When Moses was receiving the tablets with the ten commandments the children of Isreal pitched camp- not just in any order but according to God's command.The Lord's instructions were to line the camp up to the compass points with the three smallest tribes to the west, the three largest to the east and three roughly equal in size were lined up to the north and the south. This would have formed a gigantic living cross for Moses to see when he came down the mountain. The furniture inside the tabernacle (located in the center of the cross) represented the only way a Hebrew could come into God's presence- this was also configured in the shape of a cross- these things signify that there is one way and one way only to enter God's presence- thru the cross of Jesus Christ.It was the only meeting place betwenn God and man- in the center of the cross. He is "the lamb slain before the foundation of the world. This is only a handful of literally thousands of ways that Jesus Christ was forshadowed in the old covenant and once you have eyes to see reading it is one of the most powerful adventures you will ever undertake.
Most importantly, I may have mentioned this to you already but Jesus sent us a paraclete(one who walks beside us) His Holy Spirit. It is the Holy Spirit of God who is our comforter and teacher, it is He who reveals Jesus to us and helps us understand God's Word. Whenever I read God's Word I always ask the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart and reveal what God is wanting me to see. Waslost the same scripture can speak to you a thousand different ways in a thousand different situations- God has given us this Living Word and as His Holy Spirit breathes on it it becomes an eye opening and life changing thing.
 
I agree with much of what the son of thunder, Boanerges, wrote :)

I would just add that while the NT does not contain the violence that the NT does, it is still true that the NT speaks of God's holy and just wrath (no one speaks of Hell more frequently then Jesus Himself) and that grace can be found in the OT, which you seem to agree with already.

It may not be possible for you, but if you could get your hands on the ESV version of the Bible, as well as the NNAS (the updated New American Standard version of the Bible) and the New Living Translation (they are all available to read for free online) and consult different versions, it may be of help to you. I really like the New Living Translation because the editors of this Bible asked a simple question when translating the Scrptures, namely, who in the evangelical world is known for writing commentaries on this or that book of the Bible?" and based on this, they assigned the translation of a given book to that author or team of authors. So, to use my favorite book of the Bible, as an example, (Romans) those on the translation committee for this book are: Gerald Borchert of Northern Baptist Theological Seminary; Douglas J. Moo of Wheaton College' and Thomas R. Schreiner of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary; all of whom are well known for their commentaries on the boiok of Romans... For more on this see http://www.newlivingtranslation.com/05discoverthenlt/meetthescholars.asp

BTW, do not confuse The Living Bible (by Kenneth Taylor) with the New Living Translation.... though God could and did use the Living Bible, it is at best a very loose paraphrase (versus a genune "translation") and ought not be consulted as anything other then a paraphrase.... and, what is a bit worse IMHO, its a very loose translation by only one person.....

Secondly, even though we consult various versions, there are still some "hard sayings" that likely will not be answered by consulting different versions of the Bible.... I would encourage you to check out books dealing with "problem passages" such as "Hard Sayings of the Bible" edited by Walter Kaiser, or "When Critics Ask" by Norm Geisler (also check out his "When Skeptics Ask"-- directed towards persons who are not Christians-- and "When Cultists Ask", which are all very good too), or the Encyclopedia of Biblical Difficulties by Gleason Archer to help with the difficult passages.... you could also consult some good evangelical (evangelical = people who affirm the inerrancy and infallibility of the Scriptures) commentaries that discuss any passages you might have problems with... online, for free you could check out John Gill, or Jamison Faucett and Brown, or Matthew Henry, or Barnes' Notes on the OT and the NT for some help as well....

After all is said and done, there will probably still be some questions you have, and thats ok... what there is to clearly believe and know outweighs the questions regarding what we do not understand, IMHO.....

the last thing to remember is that when you are reading the Bible, you ought to be mindful of the various literary genres you will come across, just like any other book, we must interpret the passages in the way the author meant it to be interpreted (this is more precisely known as the science and art of Hermeneutics).... and if the biblical author was self consciously writing allegory or metaphor, we must not take what was written as being literal... the most obvious example might be that just as we do not think it ought to be taken literally when Jesus claimed to be the door (John 10:1ff), there are many other areas in Scripture where these literary devices are being used.. and it can be hard work to get at the meaning... but don't despair!! Going to whatever lengths you can to understand the Bible will be well worth your time! You might be able to read the entire Bible in just a few days or weeks, but it will literally take a lifetime (and more!!!) to mine it's depths....

blessings,
Ken
 
WasLost said:
I hope I am welcome here…this is my first post. For the sake of my safety, I’m using the web alias “WasLost” for fear of retribution from the people I have been involved with for the past several years...they don’t know what has happened to me but will figure it out soon. Until last night, I was a member of a Satanic Church and have been a self-proclaimed Satanist for many years. Last night I had an incredibly vivid dream that I stood before Christ in a dark pit. He looked like a burn victim and was horribly disfigured. He was on his knees before me and bleeding. He looked up at me and asked why I had done this to him. I knelt down in front of him and asked who he was and what I had done. He replied that he was an old friend…he began to weep. I didn’t recognize him as Christ because he didn’t look like the typical depictions I’ve seen. He merely looked like a man I didn’t know. I suddenly felt a wave of energy and empathy for this man in front of me…it was then that I realized that this man was an angel or something incredibly holy. It was almost a tangible experience. I began to weep as this feeling washed over me and I held the man in my arms. Everything became very bright and I felt an overwhelming sense of safety and love…it felt as if I was holding my dad.

I awoke from this dream and thought about it for the rest of the night without sleep. I can only assume that something divine reached out to me last night in my sleep and showed me something that I have yet to even make sense of. I know now that I have been on the wrong path. I know that my soul is heavy with sin. I don’t know what to do now, and I’m feeling dazed and confused. Everything I learned to value as a Satanist now seems unimportant. My focus is no longer on myself. My sect of Satanism does not believe in Satan as a real being, only an archetype to be revered. I have identified with this archetype and have been focused on my own desires for years…dismissing all others as irrelevant to my life. I feel incredibly lost and did not know what to do or who to turn to…the anonymity of the internet would be a good place to start and I found this forum from a simple google search. I’m looking for help…advice…feedback…guidance. Anything.

Thank you for reading, and for helping if you can…

WasLost
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I wanted to add, if I may... and hey... this IS a public forum!! lol.... when Jesus spoke to you asking you why you had done this to Him.... Christians, well at least conservative Christians, believe that our sin is what Jesus actually bore on the Cross. It was literally my sins, your sins, and the sins of His people that Jesus had to bear on the Cross, for He had no sins of His own to have to atone for.... and whats more, He not only bore our sins, but more importantly, He bore the PENALTY for our sins on the Cross, for Jesus... the One who was perfect, holy, without sin... had to endure the mementary pain of seperation from God as He bore those sins...
Romans 3:21-26 (ESV) 21 But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it— 22 the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, 25 whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God's righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. 26 It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus."

and

Hebrews 12:1-2 (ESV) 1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

One way to think of it is that both you and I, if we would have been present at Calvary the day Jesus died, we might very well have been the ones who nailed Him to the Cross, for in a figurative way, our sins can be represented by the nails. Since all of us... every human other than Jesus that has ever lived, has sinned and is therefore God's enemy, our very nature being one who is under the wrath of God... in that sense.... you can be the one who was said to have crucified Jesus.... just as it is true of me....

Ephesians 2:1-3 (ESV)
1 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 2 in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— 3 among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. "

Interestingly, while you were an overt Satanist, you were not necessarily any worse off then any single person who has ever lived or will ever live as to our position, outside of Christ, before a holy and just God. For all of us, whether we were atheists, agnostics, New Agers, Hindus, Satanists, Wiccans, whatever... were all, according to the Apostle Paul, "following the prince of the the power of the air", ie Satan. Now some would strongly object to this... perhaps people like Wiccans and New Agers, as well as those who claim to not even believe that such a being as God exists like atheists or persons saying you can't even know if such a being called "God" exists, eg agnostics etc... all claim to not to be under the power of Satan etc in their false religion, but it really doesn't matter what they say or think about who they are outside of Christ. What matters is, "what does the Bible say?" And the Bible is clear, there are no objective morally neutral persons.... there are only 2 paths, either you are for Jesus or against Him, there is no middle ground.

blessings,
Ken
 
Hi Waslost, if you spend a lot of time on your computer I definitely recomend you download E-sword and as many modules (translations, graphics, commentaries ,dictionaries etc.) as you can. I cuurently can cross compare over 50 translations at the touch of a button and it is freeware- here is a link:
http://www.e-sword.net/downloads.html

Also it's kind of wordy but the Amplified Bible is an awesome and eye opening read. I just finished the Message Bible and I enjoyed it ( it is paraphrased also). I love God's Word and enjoy reading God's Word in all it's "flavors".
 
Thanks to all for the feedback. I'm moving slowly...so many feelings...guilt, fear, relief. I've spent the past few weeks making visitations to various churches for services trying to find someplace that feels like home. I've been reading my bible and praying. I've also spent time outside in solitude surrounded by God's natural environment in hopes of connecting.

I've thrown away all of my books and personal writing associated with my time as a Satanist. I've discarded my pendants, candles, and tried to cleanse my home of all that was unnatural.

This entire ordeal has been so draining. I'm not sure what to do other than what I'm already doing. I wait patiently for God to reach out to me again...

WasLost
 
WasLost I love you with as a brother and I can feel (sense) the awesome powerful love our Lord has for you- He is longing to bring you near and heal all the wounds of your heart, as you draw closer to Him you will realize that all the guilt and condemnation is something to be left behind. There is no condemantion IN HIM and HE will in no wise cast you out. He paid the price for ALL OUR SINS and when He said "it is finished" He meant it- now is the time to apply His forgiveness to yourself.
be encouraged brother.
 
Boanerges said:
WasLost I love you with as a brother and I can feel (sense) the awesome powerful love our Lord has for you- He is longing to bring you near and heal all the wounds of your heart, as you draw closer to Him you will realize that all the guilt and condemnation is something to be left behind. There is no condemantion IN HIM and HE will in no wise cast you out. He paid the price for ALL OUR SINS and when He said "it is finished" He meant it- now is the time to apply His forgiveness to yourself.
be encouraged brother.
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For so long, I was a LEGITIMATE AND REAL enemy of God and Christ. I was not one to commit obvious or public blasphemies, but I denied God's very existence. I chastised those of faith and dismissed them as barely human. More than my trespasses against God are my trespasses against my fellow human beings.

Can forgiveness and redemption be so simple? Can it come in a dream? I don't deny the grace in which I was brought out of darkness, but I feel so weighted down and burnened with shame and guilt. I've commited so many transgressions against God that I feel like the prodigal son who wants to come home but cannot fathom acceptance into God's keeping after all I've done against him.

I sit here, awake in the late hours and ponder what to do. How can I atone for my sin? How can God look upon me after all I've done and find forgiveness? These are the thoughts that have kept me awake so many nights lately.

WasLost
 
WasLost said:
For so long, I was a LEGITIMATE AND REAL enemy of God and Christ. I was not one to commit obvious or public blasphemies, but I denied God's very existence. I chastised those of faith and dismissed them as barely human. More than my trespasses against God are my trespasses against my fellow human beings.

Can forgiveness and redemption be so simple? Can it come in a dream? I don't deny the grace in which I was brought out of darkness, but I feel so weighted down and burnened with shame and guilt. I've commited so many transgressions against God that I feel like the prodigal son who wants to come home but cannot fathom acceptance into God's keeping after all I've done against him.

I sit here, awake in the late hours and ponder what to do. How can I atone for my sin? How can God look upon me after all I've done and find forgiveness? These are the thoughts that have kept me awake so many nights lately.

WasLost
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How can you atone for your sin? Well thats the point isn't it? :) You can't, never could, never will.... that is why Jesus had to come my friend, if you could atone for your sins, jesus wouldn't have ever needed to come. Only He could atone for sins, and you must rest in Him. He is God aftter all, so your sins are not too much for Him to bear, in fact, look to the Cross... what do you see? You see that Jesus is on the Cross bearing the sins of His people, and as He does so, He fulfilled the following prohecy, note especially verses 5 and 6, though the whole passage is just an incredible testimony to what Jesus went through so as to forgive the sins of His people:

Isaiah 53:1-12 (ESV)
1 Who has believed what they heard from us? And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
2 For he grew up before him like a young plant, and like a root out of dry ground; he had no form or majesty that we should look at him, and no beauty that we should desire him.
3 He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed.
6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away; and as for his generation, who considered that he was cut off out of the land of the living, stricken for the transgression of my people?
9 And they made his grave with the wicked and with a rich man in his death, although he had done no violence, and there was no deceit in his mouth.
10 Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him; he has put him to grief; when his soul makes an offering for sin, he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days; the will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.
11 Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied; by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant, make many to be accounted righteous, and he shall bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will divide him a portion with the many, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong, because he poured out his soul to death and was numbered with the transgressors; yet he bore the sin of many, and makes intercession for the transgressors."

So don't try to atone for your sins, Jesus has done that already.... and I have always remembered this little saying... if the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future :) If the devil tries to bring you down by pointing out your sin, you can think to yourself that he is right... you ARE a sinner... but you can be thankful for your sin being pointed out so that you can go to the throne of grace for forgiveness and mercy.... if the devil sees you contantly going to the Father... well... that is exactly what he (it) doesn't want to see! Remember that when Jesus died we are told in the gospel of Matthew 27:51 that the curtain was torn in two... this is significant for it tells us that the way into the holy of holies in the tabernacle was now open to us, His followers... no longer do you have to go through the priest in order to get to God....
Hebrews 6:19-20 (ESV)
19 We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain,
20 where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek....

Hebrews 9:1-3 (ESV)
1 Now even the first covenant had regulations for worship and an earthly place of holiness.
2 For a tent was prepared, the first section, in which were the lampstand and the table and the bread of the Presence. It is called the Holy Place.
3 Behind the second curtain was a second section called the Most Holy Place....

Hebrews 10:11-25 (ESV)
11 And every priest stands daily at his service, offering repeatedly the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins.
12 But when Christ had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God,
13 waiting from that time until his enemies should be made a footstool for his feet.
14 For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.
15 And the Holy Spirit also bears witness to us; for after saying, 16
16 "This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my laws on their hearts, and write them on their minds,"
17 then he adds, "I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more."
18 Where there is forgiveness of these, there is no longer any offering for sin.
19 Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus,
20 by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh,
21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God,
22 let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.
23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.
24 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works,
25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

He is faithful!! He provided a way for sin to be forgiven, for your sn to be thrown away, as far as the east is to the west.... to be remembered no more...


Consider also the Apostle Paul. You may have had bad feelings towards Christians, but I doubt that you actively sought them out to kill them like Paul did. And as he did so, he felt he was doing God's will! If God can forgive Paul, a person who was busy going about murdering Christians when possible, he can forgive you. The thing is, there is only one sin that God says He won't forgive, and that is the sin against the Holy Spirit, and the way you are grieving over your sin, its easy to see that you haven't committed this sin, otherwise you would be reprobate, so hardened against God that you would feel no remorse for what you have done. That you feel great pain for what you have done is an AWESOME thing!!! Rejoice that you feel this pain!! Your pain is a gift from God..... for it means that God is drawing you near, and the nearer you get to Him, to His holiness, the more you will feel and despair over your sin. He has opened your eyes to your sinfulness and is offering salvation to you, you are hard after Him and God promises that if you seek Him it your whole heart, you WILL... not maybe, not possibly, not a 50/50 chance... you WILL find Him.... and frankly, it already sounds like you have.... or better yet, it seems more accurate to say He found you. Since He sought you out, you have been seeking Him, and that is the beginning..... you will seek and find, and yet, you will seek some more, and as you do, He will continue to reveal Himself to you through His word and through His people.


blessings,
Ken
 
You couldn't pay the price for you sins before,why do you think you have to pay now? Accept His forgiveness and have faith in His power to set you free! A gift of love cannot be purchased but must be accepted gracefully!It is by GRACE YOU ARE SAVED THRU FAITH not of works lest anyman could boast- we were helpless but He was willing!
Our heavenly Father loved YOU so much He sent His Son to die taking your place- that is a love without measure and He did it for You! God knew your sins past ,present and future- He still chose to pay the highest price for you, does that sound like He is holding a grudge? God is love and His nature is to heal, nourish and restore us. Sorrow over sin is a natural occurance in our lives and the conviction the Holy Spirit gives us is a sign that God is working in us to set us free from all that binds us, but He will not hold sins against us that have been washed away in Jesus blood and He is calling us to leave those things behind and go forward with Him.
Waslost what do you think God sees when He looks at you?
He see the righteousness of His Son, He see's the prodigal returning home- understand He has been watching and waiting for you everyday- waiting for His son to come home and His reaction is always the same- He runs to you arms open wide ready to lavish His love on you! The welcome home party has already started in heaven so let us join in brother!

Psa 103:10 He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
Psa 103:11 For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.
Psa 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
Psa 103:13 Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him.
Psa 103:14 For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.
Psa 103:15 As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth.
Psa 103:16 For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; and the place thereof shall know it no more.
Psa 103:17 But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children's children;

You are loved here, you are accepted here, you are welcome here!
 
Dear brother, I'm deeply touched by your story. Jesus revealing Himself to you is already a sign of how much He loves you.

Don't fret over how you're going to be forgiven. You already are and now all you have to do is look ahead and live a fresh new life for God. He will help you do so. Continue your journey with His strength and love, and with ours too.
 
Waslost I thank God He makes it simple to be forgiven- Would you keep paying your car note 6 months after it was paid for? You cannot make yourself more loved and accepted by God for He has made the ultimate sacrifice to cancel your sin debt. Paul the Apostle spent is time trying to wipe out every man , women and child that called themselves Christian and God not only forgave him He used Paul to pen nearly 2/3's of the New Testament- it is a wonderful moment when you realize that God's gify of love is yours- accept it!
 
Waslost(but now you are found!) How are you doing? You are on my heart and in my prayers. Remember the joy of the LORD is your strength. Draw close and get filled- happiness can be determined by circumstance but joy is from God and flows like a river in your soul no matter what is happening around you- keep your mouth be filled with praise:

Phi 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice.
Phi 4:5 Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.
Phi 4:6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
Phi 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Keep your focus on the Lord:
Phi 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Phi 4:9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

Have faith in God not in your circumstances:
Phi 4:11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
Phi 4:12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.

Do these things and you will see victory:
Phi 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Remember God knows you needs before you even ask:
Phi 4:19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

And always keep this attitude in your heart
Jud 1:24 Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy,
Jud 1:25 To the only wise God our Savior, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen.
HE IS ABLE TO KEEP YOU FROM FALLING- HE IS ABLE TO MAKE YOU HOLY AND ABLE TO COME INTO HIS PRESENCE- HE IS ABLE TO GIVE YOU EXCEEDING JOY- TO HIM BELONGS YOUR THOUGHTS ,YOUR LIFE AND YOUR PRAISE!
I will continue to lift you up in prayer my brother, stand strong in Him!
 
I'm doing all right...thanks so much for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I've been a bit bold in replying to other threads over the past day. I'm apparently putting off a hostile vibe in my questioning. So much so that I'm causing some to wonder if I'm out to criticize or somehow discredit the bible. Because of this, I'm going to keep quiet for a while and concentrate on starting the New Testament and keep praying.

Perhaps things will be clearer to me in a few weeks...

WasLost
 
We are all learing togeather- don't be discouraged- I had a friend who asked some of the same questions as you- I was praying about this and God gave me a vision of Himself constantly and strenouosly reaching out and gathering in all that would come. It seemed as this was His whole focus and He held each one close as He picked them up! This is a loving God and His goal is always to seek and save that which was lost. You must understand He payed the ultimate price but will not force anyone to accept this choice. Love can only accept those who will come out of the same- those who come out of duty, tradition or habit will never know Him.
 
Amen Boanerges!!! Your post brought to mind these comforting words from Jesus:

(Luke 19:10) For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost."

very applicable to "Waslost" I would say :)

and of course, at one time, applicable to everyone of us as well!!

blessings,
Ken
 
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