Ex-Satanist seeks help and redemption!

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Just downloaded it too - intense! Makes it easy to see more of what is meant by each verse and each word.


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Interesting that this thread has "resurrected." My trials have lead me to Christ, to lose everything, and to be again in His absence. I have no idea why He has chosen to put me through such a trial, but all of your prayers and comments are much appreciated. I have not spoken to God in some time, and truly feel as if I am outside His grace. I am barren. All I can do is awake to each new day and meet each challenge as best I can. I have rejected my Satanic past, and been forgotten by God. The past year has left me melancholy and utterly alone. I have been to church, priests, pastors, counselors, and friends both new and old. Nothing gives me any sense of purpose other than to continue living in this solitude. I feel like I should join some sort of monastery or something. Not sure how long I'll be stopping by, but it's nice to see this forum still growing.
I've asked myself this same question many times, but over time, I learned something. We are subjects, we pray that He will make us more like Him, or pray for wisdom. These are not gifts that are simply given, but earned. Usually, it's the circumstances around us that make them happen. To draw closer to God, we must loose our attachments to the world. To gain wisdom, strength, or any other character traits, we must go through trials. The Bible tells us, to consider all these trials and tribulations with pure joy. To be happy when things go bad for us. That's hard, I'll admit. But one thing I know, "why" is something that you may never know, and knowing will not even help. We are told what to do, and when to do it. It's a matter of obedience. In the past few years, I've lost everything as well...EVERYTHING. Yet, as I've adjusted, it's harder and harder to see what I have been so upset about.
WAS LOST...Hi.. I haven't really read this thread in its entirety.. what i have read, I get the feeling you are a truthseeker.. I think we all are, as we are created in the image of GOD, but some appear more so than others...I do not accept GOD has forsaken you, irrespective of you feeling barren or empty.. It is horrible to feel this way, disconnected and wondering if perhaps your involvement with that CHurch and what it stood for, may of brought this about. and is it permanent. FEAR. You care, WHY..YOUR concerned about this I feel... WHY... Perhaps GOD wants you to trust even in spite of feeling barren, lost, unsaved, unwanted, unforgiven and doomed..To trust God in spite of this....Perhaps your involvement, of you know what, has played this out,,, and now Christ is indeed testing you with this trust.. You were playing around with all these things Christ didn't stand for,,, and now perhaps he is asking you to trust him in spite of the possible rammifications of such an involvement..I think Christ may be wanting you to trust him.. Trust that if your honest with your confessin of sin... honest that this is not just a play thing.. a sunday thing etc then you are indeed saved and you do not have to do a thing. SIT walk STAND, by watchmen nee. talks about a fella who'se wife ran of with his best friend when he had to be away from her for 6 months.. He couldn't forgive and couldn't let go of it .... and the advice was ......do nothing,,for it has already been dealt with..Case closed. I get the feeling with you that this is similar,, you dont have to do a thing.. IT has been dealt with...Washed clean.. and when your reminded of feeling empty and barren, unforgiven and dammed. that all you have got to do, is trust that all has been dealt with. ONCE and then when your reminded of doubt realise that the victory has been won.. ARE you willing to live for Christ. THIS is what I believe is being asked of the Christian. If you are, then facing feeling barren and cut of from god is okay..IT is a lie of the enemy.. WHO do you believe..

Sorry to be so full on, but I just felt led and I hope the words I have used hit home if they are meant too..I have been through something similar and I want to feel that it is okay being honest and perhaps risk appearing-who do you think you are..THe enemy will perhaps want me to feel this.. Not speak from the heart. but I'd risk this if it meant that the use of a word may indeed be of value to a someone else. I also realise I am a NEW CHRISTIAN and sometimes passion can outweigh sensible use of the words. Obviously there is a time to speak out and a time to not.
I am so happy that you have turned to Jesus! Praise the Lord! I'm glad that you're trying to read and understand the Bible, too. I know a lot of it doesn't make sense, especially in the OT, but it can be explained. There a lots of great bible commentaries and studies out there, as well as some really good books. Just go to your local Christian book store and pick some up. One great study is The Great Adventure by Jeff Cavins. He's so knowledgeable. The site is thegreatadventureonline.com and you can locate one in your area. Also, (I know I'm gonna get some feedback about this but....) I use The Catholic Youth Bible. I know it's for teens, but it's really easy to understand. I suggest finding a nice (Catholic) church. You're gonna have to figure out the denominations yourself, so you should just research them and their history. I know you'll, by the grace of God, figure this out. Probably the best thing you can do is pray, for God nevers lets you down. I know you're going through some really tough times right now, but everything happens for a reason. If you use this time alone to strengthen your faith and knowledge, you can come out of it a new and better person. I want you to know that I will be praying for you, and you are never alone... you have Jesus and us! I hope that one day you will be able to discover Christ's Church and Real Presence in the Eucharist. God Bless! :pray:
WasLost, you are allowing Satan to lie to you and tell you that your not able to come back to the Lord. You need to get into the word of God and read the truth! 1 John1:9 If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
WasLost the Lord gives each child of his so many things to help us get through every day so that we can endure to the end. Remember you are in a spiritual war, read Ephesians 6:11-18. Get right with the Lord and start taking your stand in the army of the Lord! You are not defeated!
My testimony-letter to a Satanist

Hope God uses this to reach others.
May the love and peace of Christ be with you.
Please keep my identity anonymous. I am a Christian converted by God from satanism. After leaving a comment online about a Christian video, I started receiving mail from a satanist. Since then we have corresponded back and forth. He sends a satanic hymn, and I send him scricpture and do my best to witness to him. I pray the Lord opens his eyes. The following was my first letter;
Dear satanist that left me a comment that I deleted:
Perhaps the Lord sent you here for a reason. I'll be praying for you. You don't know why but I hope one day you'll see before it's too late. I used to be a satanist, myself. By the way, you seem like you're a lot nicer than I was then.
When I was four years old my parents were avoiding each other. I have flashbacks from before then, but that's all I can remember in terms of their relationship to each other. When I was five my parents were getting a divorce. All I knew was that my dad had just become a Christian and now my mom was moving out. So I hated him for it. And not only that, but I listened to the lies of the devil and hated the God of my father as well. I set my rebellious heart fiercely against Him. From ages 5-16 (until I moved out of my dad's house), I attended church-twice on Sundays, and on Wednesday evenings. I hated it. I had hateful eyes towards the people there. I purposefully shut my ears to the truth. However, there were a few people there I couldn't help but like. They were few and far between, but they were genuine and real, down-to-earth people that took an interest in me and liked me, even though my hate for the church had to be written all over me. Why they reached out to me I didn't know. But bottom line, I hated the hypocrites and to spite them I rebelled against God, never wanting to spend a second with them in the next life. And where were all the hypocrites going to end up? Heaven? I don't think so. Little did I know I was headed to hell where all the hypocrites were going to be too! I lied to myself constantly, making a discipline of hardening myself to anything Christian; resisting any temptation to be moved by anything I had heard and had been stirred or touched by. Oddly enough, the Christians were the only ones trying to save me. I don't think an atheist, satanist, or buddhist ever cared that much. I was never going to allow myself to become a Christian-it would be the farthest thing from me. I took pride in myself and lived for me, self-exaltation, superiority, self-indulgence, etc... self-styled.
I thought it was ironic that I went through so much depression. Later I acknowledged to myself that I was probably bi-polar. I wouldn't let it show because I didn't want to show any signs of weakness, even though I think I was the most insecure person I knew.
When I was six we lived next to some satanists who killed my neighbors pet rabbit and told the little girl about it. I still thought they were cool. Cops were there almost every weekend. They lived there for a couple of years and then moved. When I was in the fourth grade my older sister started a bible study with my older brother, her boyfriend, and four others; two people from the church, a gangbanger hiding from his gang, and yep, an ex-satanist. I wanted to know all about their past that seemed so glamorous to me. The ex-satanist, now preacher, was a pastor's son who watched his best friend get taken over by demonic possession. About a week later his friend died in a car accident on his way home from a ritual. The gang-banger lost his faith and stopped coming-I never heard what happened to him. I always wondered if his gang ever found him. I continued on my rebellious ways, still unsatisfied with life and running into depression. I was 8 when I almost got arrested (a subdivision board had mercy on me and didn't file charges-the police were involved.) The same year I was almost expelled from school for property damage. When I was 12 I finally got arrested. I almost when to juvenile hall for that one. Inwardly and outwardly I was evil. Yet somehow I thought I was wiser and better than anyone! I should be dead or in prison right now. Anyway, I married my high school sweetheart when I was 20. I bought a house at the same time. I was high everyday for the next two years, and drunk frequently. On the weekends I would wake up and put whiskey in my coffee. I was wretched yet self-righteous. I justified everything I did and in my head I was always right, and if somehow I couln't justify it I shoved that memory aside. I was happier than my wife because I made sure I won all of the arguments. I felt I was doing more than her because I brought home a bigger check. Most fights started because I thought I did more around the house, even though in all reality she did a lot. I just ignored it. And I didn't even stop and think for a minute that she was tired from working so much and worn out. On top of her stressful job, I had destroyed her self-confidence at home and made her feel worthless. I never hit her; I just made her feel like nothing. My wife loved me anyway. All in all I thought we mostly had a good marriage.
I could only keep the depression down for so long before it would flood me again. Sometimes I would lose all emotion and become apathetic. One night that was the case. I had just been through a low spot and had finally lost almost all feeling. I was pretty numb. I had what I thought was a moment of clarity. It was 2:00 am and my high was wearing off. I took a vaguely honest look at my life. I admitted to myself I was a scumbag...too big for the bag anymore. All of my years before seemed wasted. I couldn't figure out the past puzzles that my mind wouldn't let me let go of. Like when I was four or five and was hitting my older brother over the head with a wooden hammer while he just sat there, holding the square block in his hand, just sobbing. (He wouldn't do anything else and neither would I. I couldn't figure out why he just sat there. Still, 20 years later and I still couldn't figure it out-he was four years older than me. Worst of all I thought, if my dad didn't catch me in the act what would have happened to my dear brother? Now I know that the Lord had intervened and stopped me from the evil thing I was carrying out.) Or what about the other many other mind bending past mysteries? But I was in agreement with myself that I had had enough of myself, as did the rest of the world. I cursed the day I was born. I was going to do what I had thought about since I was a little boy in grade school. I finally had the guts, had seen behind every appealing promising trap, had sucked life dry, no longer felt responsible for anyone’s feeling I might hurt. I felt totally alien to the world. I felt as if I wasn't supposed to have been born, yet somehow was. I was named in honor after a miscarried cousin, somehow I felt I had been cursed or reincarnated. I was never going to write a suicide note, either. I didn't want to leave some sappy, self-pitying note for my family or friends. At the same time I didn't want anyone to have one of those puzzling memories haunting them, too. I tried to justify and explain it every way I could. I wrote a three-page note. I then decided I would not leave a note. So, I decided to stop wasting time and to get on with it. I very methodically took the hose off of the vacuum cleaner. I went quietly outside and taped up the hose to my tailpipe. I tied the back door shut and went inside. I thought I should have warmed up the engine because it was freezing inside. Then I realized it wasn't going to matter anyway. The fumes were surprisingly potent. All I had to do was close my eyes and take a nap. I was shivering too much to fall asleep, although I thought I would. I closed my eyes and felt a sudden tight, jerky, pull of despair within me. As if someone pulled a rip cord on the bottom of my heart and said "Man, didn't think it was gonna be like this. I never thought my life was going to turn out this way." A total sense of worthlessness and failure fell over me. For the first time I actually prayed and said "God...I'm sorry for the mess I've made." Next thing I know I'm thinking of how my wife reacted hysterically when she found her dead pet. Then I thought about what I would be doing to my wife. I didn't deserve her and she could have found a guy way better than me who would treat her right. And I couldn't help but see her going hysterical over finding me in the morning. And in my heart I knew she would snap. I don't think she could handle that. And I realized further what a jerk I really was capable of being. Ashamed and still alive, I turned off the engine and reversed my procedure. At 3-something am I went to bed next to my wife. While believing in a god, I started to live my life with a new positive outlook, yet I still lived in my sins. I thought I had gotten to know the God of the Universe and started to become kind of 'spiritual'-I did a lot of searching. I thought I had lightened up on rebelling against God and started embracing Him. Yet I did not know Him. While trying one day to cross-reference something I had read in a book, I bought a bible and started reading Revelations. I was instantly convicted and for the first time scared. For at that moment I knew I was an enemy of God and totally at His mercy. I knew then that the former sense of spirituality I felt was entirely false. I had no ground to stand on. I was afraid and knew that for whatever reason God had mercy on me and spared me from the plan I was going to carry out the few weeks prior. I knew at that moment that my life and the rest of my eternity were in God's hands. I felt very small at that moment. I cried out to God for mercy. I was face down saying from the depth of my heart that I was sorry for all the lies I had spoken about God. Shaking, I asked God to take over my life, that I couldn't do it anymore. My eyes were opened by God's grace and I knew the truth. The morsels of the gospel I had grown up with came back to me. I felt the love of God wash over me. I never thought God could actually love me with love as I have never known before. I read the Prodigal Son and cried. That God would take someone like me and call me His. Me, the guy who only cried a few times that I was aware of in my life-had poured everything out. I felt like a son loved by a Father he never knew before. One who made Himself known to me, and made my soul know His love for me. Something the devil tries to keep me from all of the time now. The fellowship that I long for. I knew Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I knew God and forgiveness. Day one of my new life. I burned about fifty books, which don't burn fast, threw out videos, some drugs, related devices, liquor, about half of my record collection-cds, etc... I decided to follow Christ. While I started out strong, I started to slip while new in the faith. Old ways within die hard and some never die at all. But Christ has given me grace and strength through it all. I've had my share of doubts, shaking sand. But Christ has always carried me through it. Thank God He won’t turn me away or let me be snatched out of His hand. He is the Father that does what is best for His children, whether they know it or not. And by His grace, He has brought me to Him. And I know my eyes have been opened, I knew that reality as I knew it before was blindness. When my eyes were closed, I was obliviously marching to a hell I thought would be cool, while the devil was drooling right in front of my face and I my eyes never saw it. I was on my way to hell, proud of it, never knowing how much the devil wants to murder you and see you fall from God's protection from evil. The spiritual death that happened to mankind was caused when the serpent (Satan, the father of lies, the evil one) tempted Adam and Eve to sin against God and they followed him and rebelled against God. Since then, man is naturally alive to sin and dead to God. This is the way it is. Man follows the devil, most times unknowingly, deceived into thinking that they are actually living for themselves, and/or following their own god. Or born-again man, by God's grace, follows the one True God; being one God in three persons; that is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. God, who has defeated the evil one by taking the death that we deserve upon Himself, in the body of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God, and came from heaven, sent by His righteous Father, to be obedient to the Father; laid His life down for the sheep, (the lost are astray and are blinded in darkness under the dominion of the devil). By His mercy our eyes are opened, and we have a savior of our souls and will be saved from our sins.
Christ came to save the sinners and heal the sick. He loves the hurting and comforts the afflicted. He heals the lame, He saves the dying. He spared Himself not, that we might live who have believed in His name. He was wounded and bled out for our sins. He took on Himself every lash from leather whips (put together pieces of rock and bone) which is what WE deserved. He took our pain and punishment on Himself. He gritted His teeth and out of love for us took every lash that tore His flesh to His bone. And when they spat on my Lord and tortured Him, the spat in His face and made him carry His own cross to die on. He was beaten so badly, he collapsed under the weight of it. The drove nails through his hands and feet. To breath He had to pull Himself up on the cross by the nails in His hands to push up the diaphragm to take in air. While He was dying He was mocked. He said to His Father "It is Finished." Death could not hold Him and He took His life up from the grave on the third day as He said He would. He said our names would be written on His hands and by His stripes we are healed. He did this to save His children from the coming judgment. Mankind is already judged. Christ is our only justification. He said for the weary to come to Him, and to take on His yoke and learn from Him. He who Has the Son has the Father. He who does not have the Son does not have the Father.
" ....I will dwell among them and walk among them; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people. Therefore, come out from their midst and be separate, says the Lord. And do not touch what is unclean; and I will welcome you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty." 2 Corinthians 6:16-18
"But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2: 4-7
I used to be part of a Spiritual Satanist group. If you want to talk privately with me feel free to message me on here or via any of my IM names in my profile and I'd be glad to talk to you.
Was Lost, as I read your post my heart goes out to you. My advice to you is to read Romans. It will help you so much to understand that all you have to do is ask Jesus into your heart and he will save you, and it doesn't matter how bad you've been. He'll wash you whiter than snow. He loves you so much. The reason you dreamed the dream is that he wants you to know that he loves you and that he will come into your heart when you ask him. Don't wait around to make yourself better for Him. He can save you now, just ask Him and then He will work in your life and make you what he wants you to be. You can't "clean yourself up" enough but He can do that for you. I will be praying for you, please let me know how you are. Also read Acts chapter 9, it is about a man named Saul who went around persecuting Christians, who later became one of the best writers in the new testament and his name was later changed to Paul. The best advice I can give is to just Believe that Jesus died for you, and then ask Him into your heart. He will save you, you can be sure of that. I really hope you get saved, then find you a good Bible believing Church and grow in The Lord.
Kent (WasLost) was going through difficult times and has only been here once in the last 3 or 4 months. It is doubtful at this place and time he will be reading your comments but definitely keep him in your prayers.

I agree Larry and because the OP has not been back since 07 ... I think it is necessary to close this thread .

Thankyou all for your participation.


This thread has been well discussed . Everyone has stated their views and no one is changing their minds.

With that in mind, it is the opinion of the Moderators, nothing further is to be gained and the thread will be closed.

If anyone wishes to add something to this thread that is of a differing viewpoint and has not already been covered, please let anyone on the Moderator Team know, and reopening of this thread will be considered.

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