Blessings, this is pretty long, my prayer is that it will help you.
You have received excellent advice from both the staff and members here. But let me share something with you. I can say from experience that I know exactly how you feel. I have been there where I did not want to live any more. I have read your posts and I want to say that God is with you whether you realize it or not. You said that you wanted to know if heaven and hell exists. And the answer to that question is "yes." Jesus spoke a lot about heaven and hell but the one I want to share with you is "Lazarus and the Rich Man" from the book of Luke 16:19-31. And the story goes like this:
"There was a certain rich man who was clothed in purple and fine linen and fared sumptuously every day. But there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, full of sores, who was laid at his gate, desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man's table. Moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.
"So it was that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels to Abraham's bosom. The rich man also died and was buried. And being in torments in Hades, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom. Then he cried and said, 'Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus that he may dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.'
"But Abraham said, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things; but now he is comforted and you are tormented. And besides all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed, so that those who want to pass from here to you cannot, nor can those from there pass to us.'
"Then he said, 'I beg you therefore, father, that you would send him to my father's house, for I have five brothers, that he may testify to them, lest they also come to this place of torment.'
"Abraham said to him, 'They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them.'
"And he said, 'No, father Abraham; but if one goes to them from the dead, they will repent.'
"But he said to him, 'If they do not hear Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded though one rise from the dead'"
So, yes, there is a heaven and a hell. But if you noticed, once the rich man died, it was too late to change his mind to undo what he did. So, he asks Abraham if Lazarus can go back and tell his family of this place called "hell" so that they don't end up there. This tells me that even in hell, you are conscious, you are being tormented and you feel.
Right now, you have the opportunity when these feelings overwhelm you to say, no, I'll wait a little longer. This is the time you have to change your mind. After death, it's too late.
Now, with that being said, before I go further, let me ask if you are a child of God through the blood of Christ? Let me explain why I am asking this question. (1) A person who is not a child of God does not understand the ways of God and because they do not have his Holy Spirit, they don't understand and can't accept it. (2) A person who is a Child of God is given his Holy Spirit and that spirit pulls the child close to him, the spirit ministers and comforts the child of God.
We (Christians) go through more than the unsaved because the Devil wants to make our lives miserable while we are here on earth. It is the Spirit of God that keeps us and comforts us and gives us the strength to keep going. We get down, depressed, stressed and discouraged. But that is when we go to the word of God and fight back with the word of God. You see, the word of God is a Christians defense against the devil and his darts that he throws at us. If you do not fight back with the word of God, you are rendered weak and defenseless against the devil and he will have a field day with you. When fighting a battle like this, you must understand that this is not a typical everyday earthly battle. This battle is a spiritual battle and unless you have the word of God, you will continue to feel the way you do.
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places, EPH 6:12.
Now, if you are a child of God, you must get in the word and find scriptures on "depression" and say them aloud and keep saying them and believe. Resist the devil and he will flee.
Like I said earlier, I know how you feel. I've been there and if it had not of been for God, I would not be here today. I was going to commit suicide several times but God stopped me just as He is stopping you. Call on the name of God and He will save you. Fall down on your knees and scream His name. If you can't think of anything to say, just say, "Jesus" and he will hear you and come to your rescue.
Here is my testimony of how God bought me through and He will do the same for you if you seek Him.
My Testimony of How God delivered me....
My grandmother told me when I was a child that I was going to go through something very traumatic in my life. That if I am not grounded in the word, I would not make it through. I asked her, "What am I going to go through?" She told me that she did not know but she knew that I had to start reading and studying God's word. Well of course when you tell a child something like that, you scare them senseless. I ran home to my mother and told her that I was going to die. I didn't know what she meant at that time. Well to move on, I have been a child of God since I was 12 yrs old and I stayed in the word as my grandmother instructed me. By the way, my grandmother is the one who introduced me to Christ. Well, I stayed in the word and was grounded.
When I became an adult, I got married. Very, very bad marriage. So bad that I was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused by him. We had two children; two beautiful Girls. I started them early in the word. I loved them so much. I stayed depressed because of the marriage then one day I had I don't know call it a premonition, a dream, a vision; I just don't know. But I had the feeling that my children was going to go home to be with Jesus. They were only 8 and 4 so I didn't pay attention to the signs, visions or whatever it was. I just had this feeling everyday. I stayed in prayer asking him "What is this feeling that I am having?" and please not let it come to pass. After a short amount of time, I know it was God. You definitely know when God speaks to his childrens heart. You can hear it in your heart. Not an audible sound but you can hear it. God told me to leave and take the children.
He murdered my children and himself. What did he say before he did this horrible thing? "I am about to do something and I know that I am going to Hell for it; but, it will be worth it" That's what he said, "it will be worth it." Well, my two girls are in Heaven with Jesus now. I say all of that to say that I had intended on committing suicide that day. I just did not feel that I could live another moment without them. At that moment, I knew what my grandmother was talking about. Now I know why I took the word so seriously and was grounded in the word. While I was in the hospital on suicide watch, I dropped down on my knees with a straight jacket on in prayer. Just screaming the name of Jesus, yes, that's what I did scream Jesus to help me through this. Then all of a sudden a voice said to me, "They are with me and they are fine. You will see them again." Then peace came over me. I was still a mess but then all of these scriptures just started pouring in my heart. All the scriptures that I had grounded myself in. I had to come to the conclusion that it was just their time and I had to trust God for the reason; and know that he will reveal it to me when he returns for us. Well, it was a long journey back because of the suicide watch, I lost my home, my job, everything. I could not stay alone. Then the nightmares started, everytime I go to sleep, I dream my husband is chasing me trying to kill me throughout the whole dream. It was like that movie (nightmare on Elm Stree). So, I started trying not to sleep, then I ended up in the hospital again. They put me on valums. Apparently it gives you a dreamless sleep but very addictive. So, of course, I ended up being addicted to Valums. Well, one night when I tried to go to sleep, I had a visitor in my room that I did not see but heard. The voice said "If you turn around, I wll let you see your children one time. But I cannot do this again. I just want you to know that they are alright and with me." Because I knew the word said that it is appointed for us once to die and then judgement. I knew that was Satan himself. I fell right down on my knees without turning around and again started screaming the name of Jesus. I rebuked the Devil in the name of Jesus and told him that he had no right in this room, he was not invited, and that I am covered by the blood of Jesus and by his authority you leave now. I never had that visit again. But I often felt like Job loosing everything he had.
But now for the good news!!!! God has healed my heart. I am no longer taking Valums and I sleep wonderfully. I know that I will see my babies again. I have that confidence when Christ comes for us, all those who died are coming back with him. I am very excited about seeing my children again one day. I am no longer suicidal. I took it all to God in prayer. Now, it was a healing process between God and myself. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband. I often say that God made him especially for me. He had a child which I have adopted as my own and God has allowed me to show her love and treat her just as if I had her. God blessed me with a better job than I had and better pay than I had. He has just been blessing me as I continously draw nigh to him. Jesus loves me and this I know; because the bible tells me so. Not only does the tells me that but Jesus also said that he will never leave nor forsaken his children. Ladies and Gentlemen by the grace of God; I AM STILL STANDING!!!!!! Praise God Almighty, He is my protector and Chief Shepherd.
I will keep you in my deepest prayer. God is not ready for you to leave just yet. He has plans for you.....
God bless
Godbe4me
ray: 
